Bonne fête de la Saint Valentin ! Happy Valentine’s Day !
Here are some images of beloved sights from my world, and a favorite quote by Epictetus to warm hearts wherever you are:
“Faithfulness is the antidote to bitterness and confusion.”
—The Art of Living
P.S. Being faithful applies to your self too, your principles, hopes, and dreams. Live deliberately, like Thoreau said. What better time than now? Back to “Respect” quilt no. 7 I go…
(Respect quilt no. 7, in progress)
Q: How to be a good mom?
A: The best answer I can give, as a long-time member of that bittersweet club known as motherhood, comes from Epictetus (or the kids on the playground): MYOB, mind your own business.
As readers of The Art of Living know, there is a chapter entitled, “Disregard What Doesn’t Concern You.” It begins like this:
“Spiritual progress requires us to highlight what is essential and to disregard everything else as trivial pursuits unworthy of our attention. Moreover, it is actually a good thing to be thought foolish and simple with regard to matters that don’t concern us. Don’t be concerned with other people’s impressions of you” [or of your children]. “They are dazzled and deluded by appearances. Stick with your purpose. This alone will strengthen your will and give your life coherence.” The Art of Living, p. 20.
That’s all there is. Sounds easy, right?
It’s not. But it is a good goal.
If you can bite your tongue and think about how much you love your child, all the time, just that, you’ll be a great mom. [As kids are wont to remind us sometimes, they did not ask to be born. So our job is to accompany them in this journey of life. None of us chose to be born. And it’s hard to live with purpose. But what other life would you want?]
p.s. If you can do the same thing for yourself, you’ll probably feel much better about her, too. Works for husbands also. And dogs. Cats who pee on the rug, not so much…
Love,
a mom
fyi: yesterday’s face mask production, and packages ready for pick-up
Hello,
Today is grey and rainy, and after reading Vanessa Friedman’s article about face masks in the style section of the New York Times, I was feeling like a loser. The prices I charge are well below market, I realize (not to mention all the ones I give away for free), even though mine are made by hand with great care and the finest fabrics. I am not selling them on-line or paying for advertising, but getting the word out on local blogs, and focusing on the neighborhood where I live and my fellow Seattlelites. Some friends have sent in orders, and I was encouraged to submit a bid for 50 masks yesterday: I have so much business that I’ll be wrapped up in face-mask production well into the month of June! Yet I wonder how long I can or want to go on doing this? (I have to admit it is tiring and hard on the back!) Thus the suspicion, awakened by Friedman’s comments on the fortunes being made during this crisis: have my better intentions made me into a schmuck? Being a schmuck—a simpleton or dupe—about money is an anxiety shared by many; one of my articles targets this very topic: how people are ridiculed for such credulity by sarcastic French writers of the Enlightenment, and the American media today!*
However, after a bit of thought and a return to my bookshelf, peace has returned. I’ll copy it here for the pleasure of sharing and reflecting on the message, before heading out on my morning walk and another nice quiet day of sewing masks for people:
It’s from the great Stoic philosopher Epictetus, The Art of Living:
“Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. It is not to be found in your personal associations, nor can it be found in the regard of other people. It is a fact of life that other people, even people who love you, will not necessarily agree with your ideas, understand you, or share your enthusiasms. Grow up! Who cares what other people think about you!
Create your own merit.
… Get to it right now, do your best at it, and don’t be concerned who is watching you. Do your own useful work without regard for the honor or admiration your efforts might win from others. There is no such thing as vicarious merit.
… Think about it. What is really your own? The use you make of the ideas, resources, and opportunities that come your way. Do you have books? Read them. Learn from them. Apply their wisdom. … Do you have tools? Get them out and build or repair things with them. Do you have a good idea? Follow up and follow through on it. Make the most of what you’ve got, what is actually yours.”
Epictetus, The Art of Living, pp. 12-13.
___
Yesterday’s face mask production, fyi
* Julia V. Douthwaite, Is Charity for Schmucks? The Legitimacy of Bienfaisance, ca. 1762-82 and ca. 2013-15”: available on academia.com.
Epictetus wrote: “Know first who you are and what you’re capable of. Just as nothing great is created instantly, the same goes for the perfecting of our talents and aptitudes. We are always learning, always growing. It is right to accept challenges. This is how we progress to the next level of intellectual, physical, or moral development. Still, don’t kid yourself: If you try to be something or someone you are not, you belittle your true self and end up not developing in those areas that you would have excelled at quite naturally. …. we each have our own special calling. Listen to yours and follow it faithfully.”
–The Art of Living: The Classic Manual on Virtue, Happiness and Effectiveness, ed. Sharon Lebell, p. 65.
Over the past 16 days, I have challenged myself to do something with a bunch of tiny rectangles of silk from a catalog of Japanese kimono silks, which I received in an old cookie tin from a thrift shop. As mentioned earlier, I first found them frustrating to handle–they slip so quickly out of grip! But the more I worked with them, the more fascinated and delighted I became. Unlike cheaper fabrics, these tiny scraps are sturdy and cooperative; they feel so soft yet they are strong. They take a fold easily with a cool iron, though one must handle them extremely carefully when sewing or they will stretch out of shape.
The photos here give a glimpse of how it came about, bit by bit. It was a perfect project for an accomplished perfectionist. What I now marvel on, looking at the finished project, is how the scraps seem to have fallen naturally into color categories–blue, purple, orange, yellow, and green. I had no plan in mind upon beginning; I was just following the instructions on making a Log Cabin quilt from Quilts from the Quiltmaker’s Gift. The crucial difference was that instead of imposing a color scheme, I let the color scheme emerge from the materials–and it became a rainbow! Then I framed it in white and grey, to enhance the yin/yang message. And it became Kimono quilt no. 1, “Rainbow”: a perfect emblem for this rainy and flowery place. I’ll have it done right in time for Cherry Blossom celebrations of the early spring!
Today I’m heading back over to Hosekibako, the Japanese resale shop on Weller Street where my husband bought that tin, in the hopes of finding more Kimono silk scraps. I love the way they tell stories, if you’re quiet and look carefully…
and I can’t wait to make Kimono silk quilt no. 2!
Well, days one through four were fun. But tomorrow will be a different story. Now I’ve reached the hardest part of quilt-making which is cutting the back and the batting, basting it all together as a “quilt sandwich,” and the doing the machine quilting. Plus hand-sewing the final binding. So, time for a dip into one of my favorite stoics, Epictetus, for a bit of character-building wisdom and patience.
When confronting life’s inevitable hard times or the technical challenges that work brings, the Roman philosopher advises:
“When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it; you can either accept it or resent it. … What really frightens us and dismays us is not the external events themselves, but the way in which we think about them.”
–Epictetus, The Art of Living
This may seem like a lofty prescription for well-being, but no one said the art of life would be easy…
Check out “A European Childhood” now! The basic design has emerged almost by magic; now I just have to execute the rest. Some of the little squares have been sewn, but there is much more to do. When finished it will be 4 blocks x 5 blocks, with a binding around the perimeter. You’ll see that making a quilt is a rather lengthy process, despite its apparent simplicity.
I do so methodically, day in, day out, as a self-imposed job of designer-creator. I like to let my mind free to roam, and my designs follow upon inspirations I’ve picked up in daily life (like the grey/yellow combo, from Manet’s painting). It’s as if the dull tedium of all those years of work has finally fallen away, and my visual imagination has taken flight. Although it may seem eccentric, I like to think my new vocation follows the creed of Epictetus (and his famous student Marcus Aurelius). As the great teacher wrote: “Create your own merit. […] You have been given your own work to do. Get to it right now, do your best at it, and don’t be concerned with who is watching you.”
“Think about it: What is really your own? The use you make of your ideas, resources, and opportunities that come your way.”
“You can be justifiably happy with yourself and at ease when you’ve harmonized your actions with nature by recognizing what truly is your own.”
Epictetus, The Art of Living
Now it’s time for a long walk with Honey Girl! good way to relax the eyes after this painstaking work…
Hello!
Isn’t it funny how we dread the things that can actually bring clarity and joy? Two weeks ago, I spent much of my time in dread and anxiety. I worried that Grammy’s death would pitch my husband into a bottomless depression. I feared leaving my new home for the trip to New Jersey, and suspending “Write YOUR Story” for two weeks, thinking that Honey Girl would grow gaunt and nervous by being caged in a kennel or that the writing workshop kids would find better things to do with their time, or that the new people I’ve met would delete me from their lives… What I found upon my return, however, is the opposite!
The frank expression of joy I saw on the faces of my fellow T’ai chi students last night upon entering the Seattle Kung Fu Club made my heart sing! The cozy complicity with the “Write YOUR Story” kids at the library on Wednesday evening also filled me with happiness. Instead of indifference, their major concern was, “Where were you?” and “Why were you late?” The way the entire staff of the Washington Beauty School perked up when I walked in the door for a hair appointment (“Our favorite client!”), and the photo that arrived in my in-box of a client’s grandchild looking pleased with her HGBG “Frankenstein Patchwork Pillow”: all of these small incidents drove home the feeling of belonging here, and being appreciated. Oh, and Honey Girl had so much fun with the dogs at the in-home “kennel” where she stayed, that she seems even happier than before! (She’s also grown a bit plump in the haunches, actually. Hardly a case of post-traumatic kennel stress.)
This transition has been a bumpy ride and I’ll admit that in late October I reversed my view on pharmaceuticals a bit, and got back on that tiny (10 mg) dose of the anti-depressant that helped me survive my parents’ death and the last years of work at Notre Dame. But that has been a reality-check too, and I do not regret it. Sometimes nerves need a helping hand to stay on a more even keel, for a while…
My message is this: it is possible to re-invent yourself and be happy again in a completely different context, if you follow this formula: presence + patience = connection. And from connection comes that deep-seated feeling of happiness, of belonging, of being home.
It’s as simple as that. We are social beings. We need to be around people; our presence helps each other. We cannot make happiness arise without being there. We cannot predict how they will help us, we have to believe, and see what happens later….
For a deeper understanding of these lessons, here are some good quotes from writers over the ages:
a) From Epictetus (circa 55–135 CE): “What is really your own? The use you make of the ideas, resources, and opportunities that come your way. Do you have books? Read them. Learn from them. Apply their wisdom. … Do you have a good idea? Follow up and follow through on it. Make the most of what you’ve got, what is actually yours.” (The Art of Living, 12-13).
b) From Eckhart Tolle (1948–): “Try this for a couple of weeks and see how it changes your reality: Whatever you think people are withholding from you–praise, appreciation, assistance, loving care, and so on–give it to them. … Then, soon after you start giving, you will start receiving. You cannot receive what you don’t give. … Ask yourself often: ‘What can I give here; how can I be of service to this person, this situation?'” (A New Earth, 191-192).
2. On patience
a) From Epictetus: “There is a great relief in being morally consistent: The soul relaxes, and we can thus efficiently move forward in our endeavors. […] The secret is not to get stuck there dithering or wringing your hands, but to move forward by resolving to heal yourself. Philosophy asks us to move into courage.” (The Art of Living, 82-83)
b) From Eckhart Tolle: “When you yield internally, when you surrender, a new dimension of consciousness opens up. If action is possible or necessary, your action will be in alignment with the whole and supported by creative intelligence, the unconditioned consciousness which in a state of inner openness you become one with. Circumstances and people then become helpful, cooperative. Coincidences happen. If no action is possible, you rest in the peace and inner stillness that come with surrender.” (Tolle, A New Earth, 58).
3. On connection
From E.M. Forster (1879-1970): “Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion, and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer. Only connect.” (Howard’s End, chap. 22)
P.s.
The book cover you see above (The Rockin’ Radiated Rocks!) is the latest production of “Write YOUR Story”: a free writing workshop for kids age 8-12, that is now enrolling for Winter/Spring 2019!
The “Frankenstein Patchwork Pillow” is Model 3, “Happy, happy creature!”: available now via Honey Girl Books and Gifts.
Reading the post of April 13 now, it is painful to witness how conflicted I was. The blog post speaks of a person who was trying so hard to find happiness. In vain. The grumbling negativity she heard daily only compounded the sadness she felt over her employer, the woebegone infrastructure of the town she called home, and the despair she felt from the constant news of local youth dying violent deaths, week after week. No wonder the daily grind was such a grind.
Five months later, I am surprised, actually, to announce that it’s all gone! No more sadness over the employer, nor sorrow over the town that was left behind. As for the “daily grind”: what daily grind?! My partner no longer grumbles angrily or blows off my efforts at cheer: he too feels good! It feels like 1979 again, when we first met and fell in love right in this town. Wow!
The insights screaming from this development are clear: as Alan Jasanoff writes in today’s New York Times Book Review: “Nature does not see the brain as a prime mover … the environment always plays a role.”* Instead of reaching for an anti-depressant, perhaps we should consider what’s wrong outside our heads instead.
My case is striking. Five months after eliminating the medications I was taking, there are no adverse effects. It was sometimes a bumpy ride, but nothing good happens without incurring some pain, does it? You just have to hang in there. Did I sometimes wonder if I should get back on the anti-depressant? You betcha. But I didn’t. I stuck with my decision, and guess what? The sadness went away when the environment changed.
Our country is so gorgeous out here! Check out the pics from last weekend’s trip to Grayland near “the other South Bend” on the Pacific Coast. Who knew that rainbows could arise right out of the surf? Or that water on the sand could make such pretty patterns? Or that driftwood could be infinitely fascinating? (Honey Girl loved it too, though she got a bad case of sandy mouth from biting the waves!)
I do not regret a thing. Neither changing my name, leaving my career, nor opting for a much smaller house located thousands of miles away. Some friends remain; others will fade from memory. Time will tell. The inner turmoil has calmed. The practice of T’ai chi and meditation continue to provide strength and solace for life’s ups and downs. Instead of toiling over a job I no longer loved, I feel the warmth of a little flame and a growing sense of contentment. It feels like I’ve discovered what the Buddhists call “right livelihood”: a pastime one can pursue forever, with no regrets.
Remembering Epictetus’s advice in The Art of Living, we must put aside questions of popularity and acclaim, and remember that pursuing one’s own vocations—no matter how quirky or unpopular they may appear—is what makes life worth living. As he wrote in the chapter “Create Your Own Merit”: “Never depend on the admiration of others. There is no strength in it. Personal merit cannot be derived from an external source. … You have been given your own work to do. Get to it right now, do your best at it, and don’t be concerned with who is watching you.”**
Living here has helped me become stronger and more committed to that stoic philosophy. My new vocations may be unprofitable, they may remain unknown, obscure, and be forgotten to the world. But they fill me with joy, they lighten my step, and they make me happy. (FYI: The five new kids who’ve joined “Write YOUR Story” are hilarious! We are already having a great time together and the future looks bright.)
What more could one ask of life?
And yet, academe has not entirely let go of me. Not quite. In a couple weeks, I’ll be speaking (via Skype) to a conference of graduate students at Michigan State. I was originally invited as an expert on the French Enlightenment. I expected the organizers to dis-invite me when they learned that I am no longer wedded to that identity: I quit that job in July! Much to my surprise, one of the organizers has since become a client of Honey Girl Books and Gifts, and both organizers embraced the idea of speaking on a very different issue. Without dissuading people from a life of study, I will aim to share some of the wisdom I’ve gained this year.
My title? “The Wisdom of the Side Gig: On finding happiness in and out of academe.”
The Frankenstein Patchwork Pillow no. 2, “Scary Thoughts”: on sale now for only $25 via HGBG’s Etsy shop until 9/30/18.
*Alan Jasanoff, “Sick in the Head.” Review of Eric R. Kandel, The Disordered Mind: What Unusual Brains Tell Us About Ourselves. In The New York Times Book Review, 9/23/18, p. 21.
**Epictetus, The Art of Living: The Classic Manual on Virtue, Happiness, and Effectiveness, p. 12.
Daily Joy with Honey Girl 